Love vs Cherish

LOVE.....so over used it shouldn't be used. Mostly love leaves you feeling used. In the name of "love" people try to rise above...by pushing you down, down until you let yourself down. "Love" can make you do crazy things, or rather the fear of loosing that love. What makes us so afraid, why do we fear the absence of the person who made us feel this way? Why do we fear never feeling this way again? Even during the rain we know the sun will come another day. Whoever said "love hurts" never knew my view. Real love....shouldn't have to hurt. How can you say you love someone and not do everything in your power to ensure their happiness? I'm not saying people don't fall in and out of love, things change, people change. But when you realize things aren't the same in her eyes, don't paralyze. Don't use her love for you as a weapon or toy....are you doing this for joy? Love shouldn't be about power and control....if you don't love her let her go.....I've had this happen, I know. Love is everything and nothing......it's what you make of it, how you take it, it's also how you break it.

vs

CHERISH.......to me means so much more than love could ever be. Cherish is a word much overlooked, give me a chance I'll have you shook. To me, when you cherish something, it's deeper than love. Cherish means value, respect, desire for something higher than just plain ole "love". I can "love" you and not even like you. But as long as I cherish you, you can know for a fact I love you, and like you too. You can love without cherishing, but not the other way around. When you cherish, you don't try to bring her down, you do everything in your power to build her up. And when she gets up, you keep her up, even through the downs. When you cherish her, you listen to her....not just hear her to be near her until your own needs are met. When she has made you know for a fact that she loves you to the point that you feel comfortable, even eager,to use that love she has for you to make threats and play mind games to control her and mold her to your wants and desires,that's not love. Love is the power and knowledge of both good and bad in a person. Love gives you the knowledge and the power to hurt her. Cherishing her is never wanting to use that knowledge against her.

Look closely and hear me well, read this again and you can tell. Alot of the words used in the name of love are negative and mean. You can have the things in Cherish if you just let yourself dream.

Grateful

It's not still dark, it's not quite light...in the pale glow of in between the birds are chirping and the engines are starting the warm up before the morning drive to concrete prisons reaching for the sky. I'm so grateful that is not my life.
Rat races and fake faces...trying to get ahead by holding someone else back....stabbing them in the back....stress and mess and no fun at all...watching the clock count the minutes of ur 9-5 sentence ......I'm so grateful that is not my life as I wake my son up for school and get the first hug of the day with a warmth that only exists the first minute the covers come off, that sleep snuggly warmth.
I'm so grateful this is my life. I'm grateful that I have a son who loves me and has my back.
I'm grateful for every time and every way I was cheated on, walked on and stepped over...I'm grateful that road is over. They were some hard lessons, but I'm grateful for the knowledge of what not to do, or what to do instead.....
I'm grateful for a sister that has been there when I was too weak to pick the pieces of me up and put them back together...nothin helps more than a kick in the ass sometimes when all u want to do is curl up in a ball under the covers and never come out.
I'm grateful for the human spirit that beats inside of me that won't let me give up or completely shut down the desire to be with somebody no matter how badly I've been misused and abused...for that would surely be a sad existence.
I'm grateful for our earth, our country, and our freedom.
I'm grateful for butterflies and sunshine.
I'm grateful for those furious thunderstorms and rain showers that make u get out the candles and have some quiet time, or the storms u run out in just to play in the rain...."singing in the rain" was never so fun to sing
I'm grateful for sitting on the beach watching the water wash the sand away and watching the water reach to the horizon and realizing in the scheme of things...I am but a small spec in this universe....sometimes it actually feels good to be put into perspective, helps take some stress off.
I'm grateful I learned to love me.
I'm grateful I can hold my head up and say, "Now I'm proud of me, I'm starting to get "this" right...I am content in my own skin now, I am not embarrassed to say I am a good person, I have a lot to offer, and it's ur loss......" and every word is true now, and not just a goal.

Think....before she walks away.

I have a story to tell, if you're involved you'll know it well. Or maybe you just think you do, lemme tell you all what's true.
I met a woman when she was down, looked left and right, you were nowhere to be found. She told me from jump she wasn't looking for much, a movie here, dinner there, sometimes lunch. You were still on her tongue, with you her heart hung. I thought I could be cool, just be her friend...but that is where my self dilussion ends. I tried to be what she needed me to be, but feelings developed from me so easily. She was and still is the sexiest, smartest, down to earth, compassionate and forgiving woman I have ever met. I tried everything to catch her in my net. Not to interfere with you, I just wished she could love me like she loves you. The way she loves you is the way I've always wanted to be loved. You truely are blessed from up above. After three weeks of hearing your name, no she never cast her blame. She didn't down you, talk bad about you....she just needed someone to talk to, to talk this through. Then all of a sudden she tried to push me away, said it bothered her I felt this way. She didn't want me to have the wrong idea, wanted me to get the point it was either friends or no deal. It was never said the fault was hers, it was never said it was solely yours. Mistakes were made by both involved, this is how it all disolved. Then next at the club, you were there and I knew why....and I knew my chance with her had to die. It took me a week or so to accept I had to let my dream go. You know I didn't want to be around you, see you where I wanted to be. But I had to make a choice to accept her boundaries and decide that if I was really gonna be her friend it had to be unconditionally. I truely want her to be happy, even if it isn't with me. That's the difference in maturity. It would hurt so much to see how happy you made her just being there with her, because I want someone to love me like that too. Do you even realize people search their whole lives trying to find the kind of love she has in her eyes when she looks at you? It may not have been perfect, but it's more than most people get. As for "rushing in", I've always been there as her friend. Believe me all she had to do was say the word and I would have done ANYTHING to gain her love and loyalty, up to and including treating her like royalty. Wanting to be with her and knowing it would never be, the truth of that I had to see. So in an attempt to get out of the way, and since I knew you two would never let each other go anyway....I moved 2300 miles away. No, not for a second do I feel like I was but a tiny factor is your equation for disaster. I don't believe for a second I'm a pimp master. Ask her friends and her family, I never hid for a second I wanted her to be MY ODB. I had to come 2300 miles to accept that will never be. But with every one of her tears I know it will always be you in her heart, but you must know as friends we'll never part. As an unconditional friend I will do anything and everything she needs me to do to either be with you, or get over you. We both know it's up to you. Just know she is not a toy to be picked up and put down when you decide you have something to "go through". If you had had the messed up life and loves I've had, you'd see how lucky you are. Think long and think hard because there is nothing worse than looking back and saying "I should have" when they are already gone.

Law of Attraction

Ok, so this whole "The Secret" thing.....I believe in that, gotta believe in something right?
So let's give it a try I'm game to see what happens.
Let me start my wishlist by stating everything I want in a life partner is everything I'm willing to give.
1) Integrity
2) Honesty, brutal honesty..I'd rather be mad or hurt for a min than loose my trust in you forever.
3) Crazily enough, I'd really like monogamy
4) Don't worry bout where I am or what I'm doin cuz I'm always gonna be trying to make you happy no matter what.....I'd like to know it's the same for you...
5)Little things that seem so huge because neither of us had to ask it or speak it...
6) Comfortable silence....not silence screaming with unspoken anger or frigid uncertainty.
7) Understanding that different opinions are healthy....2 minds are better than one they say, so let me be me, and I'll let you be you.
8)Laughter....it is the best medicine for stress
9) Passion....lot's of passion...as well as those quiet times when just listening to her breath is all I need
10) No secrets, no matter what.....about anything, ever, no holds barred......unquestionable trust.
BTW, this is the same list I expect of and give to friends...so I guess it's true when they say..."We can't be lovers if we can't be friends"

Going Home

I'm so excited, I"m going to be going on a road trip soon. Gonna go see my moms on the other side of the country.
I'm gonna drive 1700 miles each way...so much road to travel, so much time to think about everything in Ky....

she's in Ky

....trying to tell myself I don't want to see her while I plan how to look her up....knowing I can't have her, shouldn't want her...yet I'd love to fuck her once again.......a grunge fuck to show her what she's missin, I've got some new moves to show her!!!

She was my first adult attemt to follow what had always been in my heart. I looked at her and my clit started ticking, my stomach rolling...she literally made my knees weak. After work we would talk all night, layin in each others arms sittin at the boat dock lookin up at the stars, the only two in the world and the stars played a concert just for us. We were literally secret lovers, nobody could know, we could never let it show........Crazy bitch, do you really think everybody didn't know? How many "roommates" do u know that live, work, and constantly hang out every minute of every day? Anyway.....I gave you my heart and you gave me what I wanted to hear, what I wanted to have, at least until I bought my car in your name and my paychecks in your account that you were supposed to add my name to....I trusted you.

Ummm, fuck her.....yeah...Fuck Her!! She was my first and in 8 mos nearly drove myself insane trying to read her, love her, survive her, be what she wanted me to be....begged her not to leave me on a monthly basis. I couldn't tell you logically why I tried to keep her. Damn I'm still so mad after OMG.. 7 yrs....it's been 7 yrs? I don't think about her on a daily basis, but thinking bout her now makes me remember things that hurt so much then....but I realize I've moved on....yeah, shit still pisses me off about what and how stuff went down....but the anger doesn't feel the same now as it did then, does that make sense?

So....I guess I have grown a little....hmmm

Real Bullshit

Real? In a society of "fake it till you make it", "don't ask don't tell", every soul is for sale.......real?
Real bullshit.

In a society of "grin and bear it", "quiet, don't share it", "never let them see you sweat".......real?
Real bullshit.
All our lives we are conditioned to bury our real feelings , to turn the other cheek, to not
"make waves"........"time heals all wounds"?.........now that's a cliche that's
Real bullshit
As a people, a race....let's cut to the chase....if we don't teach ourselves to stand up for what's right, not be afraid to fight, and not be afraid to love.....
How long till we drown in our own
Real Bullshit
When ur starring down the barrel of the gun he puts in your face cuz everyday u called him a nutcase...is that the time to say your sorry it hurt him?......will he buy your
Real Bullshit?
When you walk into the girls bathroom and find her passed out on the floor, overdosed cuz she just couldn't take the taunting and the teasing anymore, and your pumping on her chest doing CPR.....is that the time to take back the
Real Bullshit?
And when your sitting at the computer in the middle of the night, with all the hurtful things that were done to you running through your mind, tears in your eyes....thinking of plots and alibis
you take a deep breath and step back from that edge, cuz all it would do is be more
Real Bullshit

Silent Screams

Alone

Alone in an overpopulated world

can you hear me?

Alone

Alone in an overpopulated world

silently screaming for just one to hear me.

People look at me everyday

but they don't SEE me.

People talk to me everyday

but they don't HEAR me.

People touch me everyday

but they don't FEEL me.

How can they? I won't let them!!

Why should I GIVE myself to you, when you've proven you don't deserve me,

don't appreciate me

unless you can get something from me?

So I play a game, every day, when I look at you, hear you, feel you....

will this be the day that just "one" will hear my silent screams,

see me

feel me

LOVE ME for me, flaws and all....because of them all...even if I fall

be there thru it all?